Questions and Life Lessons from Derek Shepherd
by Atomic Eyes
Summary: Answers to questions posed from Derek's POV. Responses prompt by challanges.
1. What have you learned from your past?

_Answers to questions from Derek's perspective._

**What is one thing you have learned from your past?**

Always tell the truth. Sounds simple enough I'm sure but it's a lot harder than you'd like to think. I wouldn't consider myself a liar by any means, though I'm sure there are plenty who would argue with me on that point. They'd say a lie by omission is still a lie; these are the same people who like to say that the truth hurts.

When I moved to Seattle I was running from something, alright someone (feel free to make that plural if you want to count Mark as an actual person, I don't anymore). I'll be the first to admit, at least now, that it was a cowardly move. To just up and run away from my cheating wife instead of facing her and seeing how that life would have played out in New York; cowardly. I just can't seem to regret it, even as I lay next to Addison at night I can't seem to regret coming to Seattle and meeting Meredith. Even when I'm being the 'friend' and listening to Meredith talk about sleeping with George (not something I find particularly nice to dwell on either) and that sharp pain takes up root in my chest – I just can't regret it. I don't even have the decency to regret making Meredith, in essence, the other woman. I'm well aware that it makes me something of a bastard but I wouldn't give up those few months for anything, not even my old life back in New York or a faithful wife. 

Some days I think that I could have saved all of us a lot of trouble if I'd just told the truth and this is over the course of many truths and omissions. If I'd told Meredith that I was married maybe the choice wouldn't have seemed like such a hard one. If I hadn't waited to tell Addison that I was in love with Meredith maybe she'd have given up. Maybe if I'd just not worried about duty and vows and signed those divorce papers I wouldn't have become the kind of person who has to ask the pivotal question. Standing there like an idiot wanting to repeat the words, say anything to have her take my hand instead of his.

It all goes back to the truth. Even though I didn't do any of those things and let the omissions slip by and I laid in bed and knew I was a coward more than once in the past year. Even if I'd kept lying to everyone else I could have stopped lying to myself, saved the pain that I know will come. As much as I hated Addison for cheating on me I loved her too, I just never realized that sometimes that's not enough and neither are the vows if they stop meaning anything to you. Living your life for obligations isn't really living and I happen to like living.

So there you go. Always tell the truth, if not to everyone else then to yourself.


	2. Describe a dream you've had

**Describe a dream that you've had. How did the dream make you feel?**

He fell asleep in the on-call room, he was sure of it but there he was laying awkwardly across a table in the OR, fluids pumping in and out of his veins like fire or acid, or maybe his imagination was just a little over-active lately. He blinked his eyes open groggily and heard the shouts; felt the pain sear across his skin as the drugs started to wear off. He shook his head violently and then heard the voice.

"Dr. Shepherd, calm down, we need you to move your hand. Can you do that Derek?"

It was Burke that much he was able to discern through the cloudy fog in his brain and he knew this was familiar. He'd operated on Burke and had been worrying himself sick over the possible damage to his fellow surgeon's nerves.

Now here he was on that same table with a man he had never been sure he liked that much cutting into his arm to remove a blood clot. It was a strange kind of clarity that came over him as Addison walked into the room and looked him over, she started cooing to him in the way she has that used to relax him without any problems. Now it just made him want to fall back into unconsciousness. He wasn't ready to face the truth here and now. So he closed his eyes and when he opened them again she was gone, Meredith was standing in her place with a smile that was hidden by the mask on her face but one he knew was there anyway.

Derek fell into her eyes and listened to her voice, she asked him if he could move his fingers, could he just move them a little. It took him a full minute to process her request through the haze of drugs and pain before he silently commanded his hand to move. He couldn't tell if it had but he heard a collective sigh of relief from Burke and the others and then she was gone again. The room was suddenly dark and he was alone, or at least he'd thought so until he heard the sound of footsteps coming closer.

"You know, I never trusted you to do it. You opened up my arm and ruined my career, you know that deep down inside don't you … Derek."

Burke's face was close to his ear now, he would have felt the warmth of the other man's breath on his cheek if it weren't for the mask. Derek turned his head slightly and saw the rage in the other man's eyes.

"You ruined me and now I'm ruining you."

In one instant the haze of the drugs was gone and he could feel the scalpel press into his shoulder, feel the searing pain across his nerves until he couldn't feel anything anymore. His entire arm felt like it was gone, no feeling, nothing left of his million dollar hand.

So he screamed.

Derek awoke with a start, clutching at his shoulder frantically. It took him a minute or two to shake away the dream, a second later the fear clutched at his chest again. What if he had ruined another man's career? He wasn't sure he could live with that.


	3. Who are you?

**Introduction: Who Are you?**

This is where I'm supposed to reveal my life story isn't it? One of those places people go, like bars, to get everything that's been bothering them their whole lives off their chests. Trust me, you don't want to know the things that have been bothering me my whole life, in fact I'm pretty damn sure I don't want to tell you. It's one of those things where I know I come off as the bad guy so I'm just going to smile and nod and pretend like I'm not that guy - even if I am.

I can give you my name though, Dr. Derek Shepherd. I'm a Neurosurgeon at Seattle Grace Hospital in Washington. I was a big name on the East Coast, New York primarily before I decided to move to Seattle and work for my mentor, Richard Webber. Why move from the hustle and bustle big city that I used to love? I stopped being able to breathe in New York, I woke up one day (metaphorically speaking, my epiphany actually came after work and after Addison - came) and realized that I just couldn't do it anymore. The life I was living wasn't the life I imagined for myself (especially the part where Addison and Mark were screwing in my bed).

I hung up my house in the Hamptons and my Armani Suits and then moved into a lovely little trailer in Seattle. Why? Didn't I say this wasn't going to be me revealing my life story? Ok fine, you want a candid answer, my wife cheated on me with my best friend. That's what I'd call an Epiphany.

Truthfully, it was the best decision I've ever made. I don't really miss New York or the life I left behind. I don't miss Addie either because she decided it would be a good idea to follow me. I knew this was a trick; you're trying to make me feel vulnerable so I'll open up and tell all my dirty little secrets to you. Guess what? All my dirty little secrets can pretty much be found out if you walk through the halls of Seattle Grace. Seems like everyone knows my business around there; the Hospital is like High School and trust me I didn't like High School that much.

I'll save you the trouble. I'm a bastard, just ask anyone, no I'm serious ask them. They'll tell you I lied and then hurt people and maybe I did but life isn't so damn cut and dry as people make it seem. You step foot in my shoes for a whole day and then you'll have the right to tell me how to live my life differently. Until then? Just shut up.

I'm Derek Shepherd, or Derek, or Dr. Shepherd – or apparently to some people I'm Dr. McDreamy. I'm a surgeon but look at it this way - at least I'm not an intern.


	4. What is your biggest pet peeve?

**What is your biggest pet peeve?**

Am I the only one who can't stand salmon colored scrubs? If Addison hadn't stopped wearing them I might have just gone insane. They look wrong, scrubs are suppose to be various shades of blue. Who thought to make salmon the color of scrubs? I know that some people like to be fancy and change it up and I know I've seen my fair share of strange scrubs in my years as a surgeon but salmon? What kind of name for a color is salmon anyway? Why not trout? Or just call them pink. I don't like pink.

I prefer my dark blue scrubs. Royal blue might be the technical color but I prefer them.

Addison, I'm not making fun of you, I promise. I just don't like salmon colored scrubs, nor do I like purple ones or yellow or green or any of the other colors I've seen parading around the hospital lately but Salmon? Salmon colored scrubs are my least favorite.

Cheaters. I hate them. Which borders on ironic since I'm now one of them. A lot of people would say that Meredith was my mistress. I wouldn't. Addison and I were separated and I felt no obligations to her what so ever. The only thing I feel that I did wrong in that situation was not tell Meredith from the start.

Addison's excuse, while I can't deem it unacceptable, is a load of crap. I was indifferent and I didn't look at her the way I used to. I was not being the best husband I could be and there are so many reasons why the deterioration of our marriage is my fault – but she slept with my best friend to get my attention? That's crap. It's what she says now, it's the way she's been able to justify her actions to herself and me and we've both accepted it. It's still a load of crap. She was lonely, yes, she was neglected, yes, she thought it would solve our problems and get my attention?

It got my attention alright.

Right now it's hard for me to judge. After Prom, after what I've done to two people I care deeply for, judging Addison makes me just a little bit more scum than I was before I judged. But I'm not going to rationalize what I did with excuses. I'm not going to justify it with fears or doubt or anything else I could probably pull out of my ass. I love Meredith and I want Meredith and I let myself get caught up in a moment and anger and want. I was selfish and heartless and I knew the consequences when I stepped away from my wife and jogged after the woman I wanted but I did it anyway. I have no justification or excuses. All I have now is a dilemma; How to handle the consequences.


End file.
